Have Yourself a Merry Retro Christmas

What does retro mean, exactly? The Oxford English Dictionary defines it as "Imitative of a style or fashion from the recent past." Thus, I guess *sigh* the Backstreet Boys are now retro.
For the purposes of this blog, though, "retro" refers to the Atomic era; now known as the hit AMC Channel series: Mad Men 

You could have happy, healthy, mature relationships at Christmas. Or you could be like these guys.

This was one helluva time in American history: We just kicked the Nazi's butt practically single handily (queue European outrage), gave a preview of a nuclear holocaust, split up from our on-again-off-again relationship with the USSR and gave them half a continent while also racing them to the moon. Elvis was committing acts of indecency on television and throughout it all we insisted that everything was normal and happy! What better time to really smush your angst deep down and be perfect than at Christmas!

Decoration

I think you know what needs to be done here: Get everything natural out of your house. If it wasn't manufactured, and if it doesn't look like it was manufactured, it has no place in this dimension. There is no room here for a green Christmas tree and popcorn and cranberries; that just looks like we're poor. When Betty-Sue and Bob come over, I want them to know that everything was purchased! Get your pristine white or soft pastel pink plastic tree and decorate it with as many fluorescently colored ornaments as you can land your mitts on. Do your eyes water when you stare at the lime green and Pepto-Bismol lights? good. Around the rest of the house dot little plastic figurines of Bambi's and elves, and chubby Santa's that from far away look charming and adorable, but a few inches closer are deeply disturbing:

I want to coo and scream all at the same time

Menu

Despite all the nostalgia towards all things retro, people tend to overlook one key thing: The food was pretty utilitarian in the '50s. This is the era when Italian food was considered exotic. We do have a few classy dishes to fall back upon, however.

Assuming the person who is preparing this feast is a woman with unfulfilled urges to take control of her life and thus expresses her desire for validation and male approval via the kitchen, the only main course that will achieve these aims is:

Beef Wellington

A dish that confidently says, "I have no worth unless you praise me"

Add roast potatoes and green bean casserole. 

My husband made this version for Thanksgiving, and I can honestly say it was the best dish on the table.

For dessert I feel a strong urge to tell you to make ambrosia. 

Furthering our distance from anything natural

You've probably seen and passed this at any given salad bar. It's fruit, usually a tropical fruit cocktail from a can, mixed with whipped cream and marshmallows. It's weird, let's just say it. Does anyone still actually eat this? Please let me know.

For a dessert I feel ethically good about recommending: Obviously it needs to be a showstopper, magazine worthy, really, and you really get a wow factor with:

Baked Alaska

Although, if you're trying to give off a certain Parisian air of sophistication, and take it a bit easy on yourself, a Buche de Noel will be parfait.

But let's be honest, the only reason you're eating at all is to soak up the booze. If you don't know how to make an old fashioned, I assume you're under 21 in America. This recipe makes a big batch for your party (or you, if Betty just found out about your many secret rendevous), but I find the lack of orange and maraschino cherry disturbing. 

As a second option, I also find Manhattans a really easy and elegant cocktail to mix.

Appropriate Gifts:

• Silk stockings (I am actually not at all joking about this. They feel amazing!)
• Crinolines
• Birth Control
• A chic hat from Paris
• A Fallout bunker
• Heinz beans
• a Kodak carousel 
• Elvis records
• A color tv
• TV dinner trays
• A sound system that takes up 3/4s of the living room
• blonde hair
• blue eyes
• The Civil Rights Act
• Angelheaded Hipsters
• On the Road
• A black beret and turtleneck
• An OpArt Dress

Soundtrack

Whatever you listen to, make sure it includes Eartha Kitt's Santa Baby