Have Yourself a Non-shitty Office Holiday Party

Don't.

Just...

Don't.

The fact is, employees ultimately want two things from their employer: Time and Money. So, a great holiday office party is twofold:

1) give them the PTO that they would otherwise be spending in this purgatory known as awkwardly imbibing alcohol with HR.

2) Give them the money as a bonus you would otherwise spend on this chore of a shindig.

    In previous workplaces the holiday office party was mandatory, and this meant I suffered through go-karting, and really bad Italian food (yes, it exists in NY), and just a general mentality of why-the-fuck-is-this-a-thing?

    And the thing is, in high school and college, movies fed me these utter lies about what amazing ragers workplace parties are during the holidays and the hot co-workers hook up in custodial closets.

 

My new(ish) workplace is far less toxic and this year the workforce received an email inviting us to a casual holiday celebration on a Friday. Dear Reader, I had ZERO inclination to go, thanks to 6 years of workplace PTSD and forced socialization. But my cool co-workers encouraged me, citing the beginning of the year kick-off gathering that basically had an open bar, so I gave in.

    There were empanadas, pirogies, brie en croute, shrimp cocktail; there was a chocolate fountain with strawberries on sticks, cantaloupe on sticks, pretzel sticks, rice-krispie treats, and macarons. 

    I would have traded it all for some cubes of cheddar cheese and sweaty slices of salami and 2 large glasses of red wine. Employers of America, I'm sorrynotsorry we don't like you. I'm fucking stressed the fuck out. I'm poor(ish), condescended to, anxious that I'm not living up to my potential, annoyed that I went college for this, and feeling impotent as fuck that I have all these great ideas and insight that no one gives a shit about because of where I am in the employee food chain. Add on a holiday shopping list, a dinner with my in-laws and you want me to enjoy myself and bond with you sans alcohol?! 

    Since nothing good happens around my office, unless I take care of it, here's how you throw a decent-ish office holiday party:

*Chinese food. Instant winner. All the egg rolls and crab rangoons to soak up:

*The Booze. Please, capitulate. Shell out for a handle or two of vodka, and handle or two of gin, some white wine, some red wine and mixers. We need this more than you do.

* No theme. I mean it; do not add on the chore of finding an ugly sweater or a festive head band or whatever bullshit you think would be cute. If we want to wear it, we'll wear it but if you mandate it I will come in full pagan witch garb and say "bright yule" to all and sundry and then annoy everyone by telling how Christmas is Saturnalia plagarism.

*Leave: None of us want to talk to you. It's uncomfortable. Organize your own damn president/CEO holiday party in the motherfucking Rainbow Room and cackle over the cheap and shitty vodka you bought for us.

Does this sound bleak? Well, partner, so does capitalism.