We Already Know This But..

 The process and procedures of getting care in America fucking sucks. 

Sure, scheduling an annual physical is one thing: you call the doctor's office, you get a date roughly 6 months out, you put in for the time off from work, show up with your insurance card, and then get charged a $25 copay. For reasons unknown.

I'm now navigating the aftermath of a concussion, and I have to be really careful in what I say to care providers ranging from an acupuncture provider to the neurologist writing the script for my MRI. I started out in saying what I believe actually happened: external circumstances such as a vehicle caused me to fall off my bike and hit my head on the pavement (note how even on my own blog I'm hesitant to write plainly because what if my insurance company sees this?). 

The problem with this statement is: There are no witnesses, the driver of the vehicle didn't stop to exchange insurance details with me as I struggled to remember my own phone number to give to the paramedics, and no police report was filed. So, this would be filed under a "no fault" incident. And I'm really struggling with that term, because, actually, someone is at fault, I just can't identify them beyond driving a white car. 

But now we've moved onto a new problem: "No Fault" makes practitioners hiss and back into a corner like a vampire confronted with garlic. The acupuncturist said to me, "I don't accept No Fault cases. The paperwork is a nightmare."

Oh? More nightmarish than being unable to sleep properly because one entire side of your body slammed into asphalt and it's the side you normally sleep on? 

So we backtracked, we forgot the words ever came out of my mouth. We established that I simply fell off my bike. Treatment unlocked.

Moving on to the MRI. Why do I even need an MRI? Because there's a span of consciousness in between me seeing a white car in my path  Falling off my bike and moving out of the street to the sidewalk that I can't account for. I'm reluctant to say or write the words "I lost consciousness," because it's traumatic to acknowledge, so I keep answering with "I don't know if I was knocked out," when asked. And then someone pointed out that, if I don't know then it's pretty obvious that I did.

So, off to neurology with me. Same careful picking of words, and I'm getting slightly more familiar with the choreography of this: I "fell" off my bike, but a car was "involved." There is no police report, the car didn't stop. 

Side note: I've never reported sexual assault to law enforcement, never been through the whole "justice" process and, as God is my witness, I hope I never have to. If repeating the details of a bike accident that I was able to walk away from over and over again makes me tear up, the repeated traumatizing of an SA survivor must be like ripping them limb from limb each time and I fully understand why some choose not to.

the neurologist informs me my insurance company will need to provide them with a prior authorization number. Don't worry, though, she says. We will get that number for you, and give you a call with the info. Amazing. And then in the same call I can schedule the MRI, right? Welllllllll. No. It's a different department. Call the scheduling department with the prior authorization number to schedule the scan.

Okay.

It's been a week, no number has been called into me. So I call them to follow up. But unfortunately I don't have the script prescribing my scan with me. 

And just... Aetna, Blue Cross Blue Shield, MVP, all you vultures getting fat off the misfortune and suffering of Americans, I need you to know something:

Nobody wants an MRI. I'm not doing this for funsies. I'm doing this because part of my memory of trauma is blank and I want to make sure there's not more damage. And acknowledging that really fucking sucks. If I could go back in time and not fall off my bike, I'd 100% go with that option. If someone is seeking treatment that's out of the ordinary, not our usual humdrum blood pressure check up, and listening to us breathe with a cold stethoscope while we hunch over in a worn cotton gown that's open to the front (or back), then I think you can assume that there's a good reason for it. 

Are there people waking up with the thought "I need an MRI, just for the heck of it." Yeah, probably like 5 people out of all your customers. Just fucking roll with it, just let 'em have it. Possibly the neurologist is going to find the cause that they want to be put in a claustrophobic tube that everyone else would like to avoid.  

That's it. That's my thesis. It's been close to a month since my mild by comparison "accident." My eye is no longer black, the scabs from my elbow and knee have been scratched off, my left shoulder feels  much better since acupuncture, but I still feel different, I dunno, like another layer of innocence has been messily peeled away from me. I can genuinely say that crossing the street makes me anxious and white cars trigger me. This would probably be the case if I lived in a place like Canada or France (although, if I lived in France I may not have had this "accident" in the first place, but that's a whole different topic), you know, a place where care is not profitable; it's care. But not being able to speak frankly, to wait to hear that someone most likely overworked and underpaid is going to decide if monies should be paid out for my benefit just adds a whole unique stench that prolongs my inability to fully emotionally recover from this. 

I'm not telling you anything you didn't already know. Healthcare in this country isn't.