Apparently the last time I posted something was a month ago. In the Imaginerrium Terrarium the last time I posted something was during 2011. I feel very guilty about the lack of posting; but sometimes I also feel pretty guilty about the posts themselves.
Reading other blogs I always wonder why I'm not able to achieve that winning balance of letters:graphics. I've sincerely tried to ruthlessly cut down what I type so that my Dear Reader doesn't have to read, literally, 3 pages of my very strong feelings about something tremendously boring, I'm sure.
It's very frustrating.
Lately this has been the process: I think, "Oh, I should post something. What shall I write?"
Then the whole day will pass with me trying to just let my mind drift free and bump into a topic that might sink its hook into my ire.
Something will, briefly, and I'll open up this page and start typing and then... it all seems to deflate. Whatever excitement I had about the subject seems pointless, or I can't find the words to get across what I originally felt about the whole thing.
My dashboard is littered with drafts I've started and haven't the foggiest what to do with them.
I think a large source of these false starts is that I'm fairly unhappy right now. Maybe I'm not supposed to admit such personal feelings on here, but right now it seems more like a factual statement that anything.
At times I've found it helps to draw the things that are bothering me out into the open, look them in the eye and say, I know you're there.
Here we go:

1) I dislike my job. That's putting it mildly. Many times I feel like I'm the solo team player. That is to say no one is thinking of how to help each other. I'm a hard worker, no one can tell me otherwise, and at the beginning of my job my supervisor was actively encouraging me to do as little as possible. That seemed unnatural to me. It was pretty clear that I landed on my feet at a really small agency that did a lot for the community and if the machine was to keep chugging along, I'd be happy to do odd little tasks that seemed to be stressing other people out.
When I find myself playing Bejeweled or scanning photos on Facebook for hours on end, I do not at all feel satisfied. I like working. I like sinking my teeth into a project and not only seeing it to completion but doing an exceptional job on it. I do not like turning things in that are inaccurate or untidy; I want to be able to put my name on something, if that makes sense. I don't ever want to deny something I created because I'm embarrassed by it.
So, you'd think this means I'm a valued employee. Yet when I go on vacation or I'm out sick I come back to find that people have literally messed with my shit. One time, after a bad cold I cam back to my desk to find a whole range of things belonging to me had been thrown out after the director had instructed someone (I don't even know who) to clean up my work space.
I want to be able to relax and focus on getting better when I'm out (which is rare). Instead I worry about what fresh hell is lying in wait for me.

2) I am worried about money. I wouldn't say I'm the best person with finances, but I'm also, by far, not the worst. I have priorities such as my rent and utility bills, and food. I've only ever had an overdraft once and that was when I was surviving a horrific breakup and was not quite right in the head (seriously, you can ask him).
The problem is, I have an $1100.00 dog napping on my couch, right now. He's worth every penny, but damn, that was a lot of pennies. A few entries ago I wrote how my bank account is very carefully balanced. There is the odd splurge on a frock, or a pair of shoes, but most of my recreational money goes to food and alcohol. I love going out for dinner or drinks with friends on a Friday night, but even I know I can't do it every weekend.
I thought I could recover this money relatively quickly. It seems I somewhat misjudged things.
Now, come on. You know I'm not the kind of person to buy a designer, pure-bred dog from a breeder. In fact, my Chico came from the SPCA and he's the best damn dog in the whole world (there are a few notable runner-ups). My apartment building needed a deposit in the form of 1 month's worth of rent to allow us to bring the dog home. Even the woman at the SPCA seemed to think it was a bit exorbitant.

3) I'm not entirely happy with the way I look. That is to say, I wish my hair had more of a reddish tint; I wish my nose was a little less broad, or my eyes a bit bigger. I'd like my thighs to be a little less thunderous, and that my chest lay just a tad flat. I'd like my arms to be a little more toned. Normally, and I'm being completely honest, I am not this absorbed by my appearance. I look how I look and I've got to make the best of it. But when I feel low, it's like emotional HIV in that things I'm not usually affected by pile on.

4) I'm a little dissatisfied with a friendship. Every once in a while I consider sitting down and writing a letter. What I mean by that is vomiting every last little particle of regret, frustration, annoyance and sadness onto a piece of paper. Maybe that would be cathartic just to get it out; stop carrying it around. However, I am worried that the temptation to send it would be far too great and then everything would be ruined. Though right now I am not convinced it could get any worse.

5) Dan came home last night and told me that he's got a Friday class to teach. He also teaches Tuesday and Thursday nights and then does Tai Chi on Monday evenings and Saturday mornings. So we spend a total, currently of two blessed evenings per week together and one and half days on weekends (Tai Chi is at 8:00 on Saturdays and I find getting up that early on a weekend to be unnatural).
I would rather die than be the type of woman to tell someone what they can or can't do. But there are times when I feel like I'm managing our household completely alone. Mostly when he's away I feel lonely, even with the dog. When he comes home we both get super excited. The other frustrating thing about this news is that I couldn't even justify being upset. He asked to teach this class at a time when we needed more cash flow to save for our wedding. What kind of a shitty person would I be to get mad at him for keeping a commitment he made?

Now, normally, I know that sitting and crying over my problems does very little to actually solve them. But sometimes I need just a moment to sit down, acknowledge how bad I'm feeling and build up the resolve to vanish these difficulties.

This is a pretty good cheat sheet for making that happen, though there are a few instructions I have difficulty following.
I am staying in a relationship that no longer serves me, in that my job has ceased to give me any satisfaction and I really need to find a new one.
I do try to please others more than myself. I think it's a family curse because my mother and my sister both go above and beyond to help others and just give whatever favour an extra little flourish to bring that extra bright smile. But when I've reached the end of my rope, it's bad for everyone.
and I do attach myself and my emotions to outcomes. Even for pie. One time I wrestled with a pie crust for two hours before collapsing in a heap red-faced and crying. I just knew that if I went out to the market and bought a frozen store-bought crust then everyone would know that I'm a sub-standard baker and eat the pie out of politeness.
Of course, that wasn't the case at all. Dan has told me he sometimes dreams about that pie.
But I need to take a step back and remind myself that it is only pie. It is not my future hanging in the balance.

Now, because this post isn't nearly long enough, I'm going to spend a little time focusing on all the good things in my life. 5 for 5.

1) I'm engaged to a pretty wonderful guy. He's facilitated a total overhaul of how I understand men. This might be because he's the first actual man I've ever had a relationship with, but he makes me feel very special and loved, even after working together for over two years. He's moving onto a new job and I'm going to miss the crap out of him during work hours.

2) My dog is definitely the best dog in the world. I know many people will probably contest that statement but that's only because they haven't met Chico yet. When I am crying he will actually come up to me, wriggle his snout into my face and start licking up my tears. He'll also sit on your lap. One of my favourite things was a few nights ago when he couldn't sleep and I sat with him curled up on my lap until he went to sleep. That's probably the most maternal I will ever get.

3) Despite the fact I can find plenty to improve in my physical appearance, there are also plenty of things I do like. My fingers, for example; and my long neck and back. My mother has always said that I have sea shell ears and I've always believed her. I also feel I'm at a pretty terrific height. I don't tower over very many people, unless I want to and then I wear heels, but I can look the majority of the world in the eye. I can also say I think I have a generally good sense of humour and my hair does lighten up to a nice shade during the summer. Even better than all of that I am as healthy as a horse. I've never really had a debilitating disease like cancer or... polio (for example), and even though my eye sight sucks, I still have it and my sense of hearing, an ability to run 9.5k, and for me that's one of the best things I could ever ask for.

4) When I do write, I am pretty grateful that I enjoy it. In fact, I'm pretty grateful that I have the kind of family that constantly contributed to my education. My mother and father were the kind of people to hope for and expect a lot of their children, and the fact that at least one of them (won't say which one) is... eccentric made me vastly more prepared to be comfortable with all my quirks and kinks. I'm never going to be like anyone else, and while that was a huge difficulty during my teenage years, now I am quite determined to stand out.

5) I think I just wrote a pretty decent blog post that I'm happy to put my name on. That's turned around my entire mood.


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