Casual Sex and Random Hookups.

I'm supportive of both and I think this an activity more young people should be getting in on. This might sound like I'm encouraging wanton and promiscuous sex, but in my mind I'm encouraging the exploration of one's own body and that of another's. I think we might all respect and enjoy ourselves more if we stripped down to the nude more often. You, of course, might think I'm on crack.
For men casual sex is not such a problem, socially. No one is going to comment on your morals if you enjoy yourself on the first date, or even if there isn't a date. For women, it's a little more complex. I don't know if this is because of societal conditioning, if we're evolved this way or what (and keep in mind not all of us are squeamish about casual sex). For us, there's a lot of trust needed to drop our undies. Thus, boys, I'm going to give you some helpful hints to make this experience special for the both of us, and also to ensure you get laid without getting the baggage.
1) Be safe. Of course. You would never have sex without a condom, right? Right. Especially in this day and age of std's ranging from uncomfortable to gross to deadly. It's more of a mood-killer to stop the nibbling of the neck, look each other in the eye and say, "now honestly, do you have gonorrhea?" What is far more special is to say, "I'm going to get a condom." I know, I know, we girls do need to take responsibility for our own well-being and we probably should carry condoms, just in case. But it really is to your benefit to take care of it yourself. Do you have any idea just how bewildering it is to stand in the "personal hygiene" aisle of CVS when you don't have a penis? There is a frightening and very real possibility that we will choose the wrong variety of condom. Besides, by you saying it, it shows that you care.
2) Be Gentle. Consider your partners breasts. I don't know of any man who can without the cursory grab and lick and there is a very good chance your partner will appreciate the attention to her body. Yet, for all that, please be gentle, at least at first. Imagine that these are almost the female equivalent of testicles and then ask yourself if you would be OK with her mashing your balls in her hand. You might, I don't know, and she might be OK with you bruising her boobs, but start gently at first and if she gives you cues that a little more firmness wouldn't go amiss, by all means respond.
3) Be Vocal. By this, I don't mean scream your head off, although a few moans into the neck are never a bad thing. Just make a few nice comments about how you're enjoying yourself. Appreciate her body, mention the things that attracted you to her in the first place (I mean, there has to be at least one thing right?) No matter what the girl, there is going to be a little nervousness in baring her body for you. This is not your fault, it's Kate Moss' fault, but you can make her more willing to share her body with you if you admire it. Now, you might be a little terrified at saying the wrong thing that will make her curl into a ball. Some foolproof expressions: "I love your curves;" "your breasts are perfect;" "Your skin is so soft."
Whatever you do, don't quote song lyrics (especially John Mayer), we will know.
4) Ask For Status Reports. How many girls lie on their backs, staring at the ceiling thinking, "what the hell is he doing, and when will he be done with it?" A number of them won't want to say anything because they'd rather do anything else than create an uncomfortable/ awkward situation (ladies, this is not right). Therefore, a little bit along the way you might want to ask, "is this OK?" If the question is unnecessary she'll let you know. This also applies to you gentlemen. No one in that bed is a mind reader, so if there's something you're not enjoying, or that you'd really like her to do, please say something.
5) Be Affectionate. Think about what this girl has just done, think about the potential backlash awaiting her, think about how much you enjoyed it (I hope). Now, should you really fall asleep right now? No, you should attempt some pillow talk and at least hold her hand and kiss her on the cheek. You don't need to smother her, you just need to let the experience taper off, rather than letting it end abruptly.
6) CALL! Or e-mail, or im, or facebook, or something! Not repeatedly, unless you get the vibe that it wouldn't be a bad thing. But for all you know that was the best night of her life, that was the night that got her over her jerk of an ex-boyfriend, or that was the night that made her graduation that much more special or any number of circumstances. You reaching out and saying, "hi, how are you?" will make it that much more positive, and you'll have done your duty of not being a jerk. If the interaction is meant to go on, it will.
7) Don't Brag About It. Woo-hoo, you got laid. The only person who can know, without asking, is your doctor. Technically this only applies if you two are in the same location and/or social group. If she lives in Alaska and there is an 85% chance of never seeing her again, by all means, just be true to the memory. If she's in the same city as you, or same region it's honestly best policy to keep your mouth shut, if you're in the same social group it's somewhat important. Here's why: Guys can sleep around and still be guys, they can even be congratulated on it and given the title Legend. These do not apply to girls. Girls who sleep around are compared to village bicycles and peanut butter, they are not congratulated, they are not legends, they are competition and their peers dislike them to say the least. There is also going to be that one guy in your social group who will try his luck with her because you got lucky and didn't shut up about it. Then, for whatever reason, she may feel somewhat cheapened and rue the night she spent with you.
If your room mate does ask why there's a condom wrapper on the bathroom floor, be honest. If someone asks, be honest. But keep in mind Charlie Rich's Behind Closed Doors. Great song.

Now the bad news: There will be some girls to whom none of this applies, though giving it a whirl couldn't hurt. There will be some girls who will want something else entirely. But if your bed-fellow is a nice, fun girl looking a good, safe time, this should see your right. Have fun.


  1. I am actually not a huge fan of casual sex, specifically because it biologically awakens such powerful emotions. I have a friend right now who just came to the realization that she has been exchanging sexual favors for human contact and who is undergoing partial hospitalization because she is having so many issues that focus on her genitals and their misuse. No matter what rules we put on our commingling, we are far from guaranteed that the person in our bed fully understands and appreciates which strings are attached and which are not. I have personally yet to witness casual sex being anything like casual (and I have witnessed dozens of people try from various emotional and spiritual places), always introducing torrents of unnecessary and soul-draining drama into the process. I've even known people to draw up sexual contracts with partners whom they didn't love or wish to commit to. No sooner was the ink dry than the contracts were being scrutinized for loopholes or ignored entirely. This is not to say that I do not COMPLETELY agree with what you've written. I do. Casual sex is not for me and it won't ever be (though I do admit to having kissed a goodly number of girls, almost all of whom I genuinely liked and wanted a future with for at least an hour on either side of the snogging), but I am not narrow-minded enough to think it is not for anyone. I just haven't met the person of either gender who could hook up without leaving a hole in everyone concerned.

    Also, I quite like your writing style. Should you ever want to let me repost things you've written as a column on a certain site... :)

  2. Well said!

    It would be very nice if this sort of rational viewpoint could supplant the absurd dichotomy we have instead.

    Also: agreed that you have a definitively pleasing style with the written word.


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